Resolutions, Revisions, and Regrets

As we approach yet another new year, it is a time to reflect upon the last 365 days of life and how they were spent. This year I experienced a lot of changes in mine, both positive and negative. Overall, it was a good year mainly because I finally found a job I am both capable of doing and enjoying. However, I am still struggling with the fact that I am not where I want to be health-wise after suffering through three years of POTS. Luckily I discovered that my symptoms respond positively to weight-bearing exercise, so I am going to make that more of a priority in the coming year. Another resolution of mine is to phase out all chemical-based cosmetics, and personal and household products. I do not like to waste things, so I am simply using up or giving away the old, and when I replace a product I will replace it with something green and chemical-free. I hope that this shift in products will be reflected in my health. I also intend to gradually eat better and buy organics whenever possible. That's about it for my resolutions this time. I'm keeping it simple. I used to be a fan of elaborate lists and detailed action plans, but since work has been consuming so much of my time lately, I figure it's best to have a few basic, realistic resolutions in mind that I can actually stick to.

After recently finishing the first two seasons of Being Erica (in my opinion it's one of the best shows on television), I realized that I too, have a long list full of regrets--19 of them to be precise. For those of you who haven't seen the show, it's the story of a woman in her early thirties who just can't seem to get her life together, although she is bright, well-educated and has a lot going for her. She visits a "therapist" who engages in unconventional therapy sessions with her where he enables her to travel back in time to relive her biggest regrets. The show is what I would classify as a dramedy: Erica is a highly relatable character and the flashback scenes to her teen and college years are generally very funny. But the show also deals with some serious subjects and subliminally encourages viewers to evaluate their own lives and regrets.

Looking over my own list of regrets I couldn't help but wonder if reliving a few of them differently may have prevented me from getting sick. For example, if I would have not cancelled my wisdom teeth surgery out of fear my freshman year of college, maybe I wouldn't have developed the infection and cyst that resulted in an emergency surgery senior year. Or, perhaps I was destined to get sick anyway and having the surgery sooner would have only meant that I got sick even earlier in life (which definitely would have been worse considering I probably wouldn't have finished college if I had developed POTS as a freshman). On my list of regrets are some silly, some serious, yet living any one of them differently may have altered the course of my life significantly. My question for you, dear readers, is if you could travel back in time to relive any regret, what would it be and why? How would you do things differently and how would it alter your life today? Just something to ponder as the new year approaches. Perhaps the most important resolution I have for the upcoming year is to live a life free of regrets.

Happy Holidays!!!

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, or something else, this time of year can be especially tiring. Remember to stay well hydrated and load up on the salty snacks at all those holiday gatherings. Dressing in layers also helps--especially at other people's homes where it may be warmer or colder than you're accustomed to--so you can add or remove articles of clothing as needed depending on your body's personal thermostat. Also don't be embarrassed to sit down and if possible elevate your feet or sit criss-cross-applesauce style on the floor. That helps me a lot. So does looking at pretty Christmas decorations. Here is my tree and decor for your viewing pleasure. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Pets for POTS

Lately I have been thinking it might be nice to have a furry companion around to take for brief walks, keep me company, and train to do tricks. I have researched several breeds and currently have my sights set on a cute Shiba Inu puppy like the one pictured above. Ideally I want a dog small enough to pick up with a good temperament that doesn't bark much. Shiba Inus are described as a very fastidious breed, meaning they like to stay clean and are easily housebroken, which is also a major bonus for me.

I know a lot of dysautonomia patients have really benefited from having pets in the home. Not just for the company, but also because animals are intuitive and often capable of acting in a service capacity to alert their owner when something's wrong. Check out this video of one dysautonomia patient's fainting spells caught on tape:

Although he doesn't alert her in quite enough time, Sarah's dog Walburg clearly recognizes that his owner is about to faint. Another obvious advantage of having a larger dog by your side is that if you happen to pass out in a public place, people probably won't mess with you while you're down.

Although I am not looking for a service dog, I would expect my future dog to be in tune to how I'm feeling. Even dogs that I don't know very well seem to instinctively seek me out and come sit on my lap when I'm not feeling well. There could be ten other people sitting around in the room and if there are dogs around, they will always come sit by me. To be honest it freaks me out a little bit. Dogs did not always flock to me like this. But since developing POTS I've noticed that animals have taken a liking to me.

So maybe that's a sign that it's time to get a pet. At this point it would be a whole lot easier than dealing with a needy boyfriend. Most of my friends are in the midst of getting married, getting a house, getting kids, and here I am contemplating getting a dog. For most of my old friends, getting a dog isn't even a big enough milestone to make it onto their Facebook newsfeed. They have bigger and better things going on in their lives. But to me, getting a dog is a big deal and an even bigger decision. I need to be sure I can adequately care for an animal and provide them with enough exercise to stay healthy. I need to be 100% sure I can give them the care they deserve or it would be rather selfish of me to get one.

Then again, getting a dog may help me feel better in many ways. Maybe it's the power of unconditional love or maybe it's just pure coincidence, but pet owners are said to have better health overall and recover more quickly from surgeries and injuries than non pet owners. Resilience is something all POTS patients could definitely use an extra dose of.

In January, a litter of Shiba Inu puppies from a local breeder are coming to town. So I have a little more time to mull this decision over. Any feedback from pet owners and non pet owners alike would be much appreciated.

Dancing Alone

Have you ever put up with a less-than-savory situation simply to avoid being alone? Especially to avoid being alone with a chronic illness? Sometimes I look back on my last relationship and have to wonder if I was just plain lonely or if I had simply lost my marbles as a result of POTS. Guess I can blame that toxic relationship on a chronic impairment of blood flow to my brain.

I started my journey with POTS as a single senior in college. After a few months of being sick and still without a diagnosis, I finally gave in and went out with a very persistent guy from work. The first date went fine, and to my surprise temporarily took my mind off my tachycardia for a change. Before I knew it, a couple dates had turned into a relationship. Truth be told I wasn't ever really sure I wanted a relationship or could even handle one on top of being sick. I knew my health wasn't up to par and it was hard for me to have a "normal" life where one can spontaneously go out on exciting dates all the time. But I informed him of my health problems up front and for awhile it didn't seem to be an issue. Well, at least not for him. I would push myself to the brink of exhaustion simply to appear normal.

He knew I couldn't do anything too athletic; although we did play tennis a couple times and he complained when I had to take quick breaks. Not the most patient guy. And dealing with POTS takes patience. Heck, I was proud of myself just for being able to play tennis at all (keep in mind this was during my pre-compression stocking days, so playing tennis together in the heat really was quite a feat). However, we went on this way for quite awhile. Him wanting to do things, pushing me to do more things, and me being pleasantly surprised by how much I was able to do (sometimes). But there were times when pushing myself only made me that much sicker.

I went through a couple periods where my POTS worsened, and during those times he complained more and more, and I felt like more and more of a burden and a hindrance to him. He suffered from untreated attention deficit disorder (his doctor thought possible bi-polar disorder as well) and liked to remain active. He did not like taking the meds because he said they made his heart race. I know the feeling, so I tried to be patient when he abandoned me to play poker on a regular basis. That was his way of staying active, he insisted. After all, "poker is a sport. They show it on ESPN." Really, I think it was more of a way for him to self-medicate than to stay active.

Although I had explained my illness to him in great detail and he listened and asked questions, not to mention he had seen me at my worst several times, he never fully understood it. On numerous occasions he tried to compare his ravaging gambling addiction to my having POTS. Of course, that comparison angered me greatly considering POTS is a physiological problem while gambling is a psychological one. POTS and gambling are like apples and oranges as far as I'm concerned. No actually, more like apples and airplanes. They are so different the two illnesses shouldn't even be compared...yes I do agree with the notion that addiction is an illness, but at least it's one that there is actually tangible treatment available for. I am sure his ridiculous comparison was either a cop-out and a way to justify spending days on end at the casino, or a subliminal cry for help since it suggests that he had lost control of his addiction just as I had lost control of my own body. Either way, his habit contributed to my neglect, my stress load, my worries, and ultimately, the decline of our relationship. The sad thing is, in the end his addiction and his anger problem were what tore us apart. Not my faulty autonomic nervous system like I had once worried. Although my condition was not conducive to living in an unhealthy relationship, someday I believe I could benefit from a healthy one. But for now, I am content to be dancing alone. To get to know myself again and be comfortable without anyone but myself.

For more information on dating with POTS, please check out my friend Shannon's video called 'Dating With A Chronic Illness:' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTJ3x9erVBU

Winter Update

The weather outside is frightful, my Christmas decorations are up, and so are my spirits. Although I am battling a very nasty head cold at the moment, I do have a few things to celebrate.

I started at my new job a few weeks ago and so far it is going quite well. For those of you who have been wondering, I am working full time (40 hours) and telecommuting, which I would highly recommend. Working from home enables me to put my feet up while working and work from my laptop in bed if need be. It is nice to have that kind of flexibility without having to worry about a commute. It took me nearly two whole years to find this job, but it well was worth the wait. My hope is that I can continue in this position for a long time. I am happy to report that so far I have gotten only positive feedback from my employer, and the work is interesting and engages my communication skills.

Last month I also finished my first articles for DINET's quarterly newsletter. I'm looking forward to seeing them published in the Fall Edition which should be online any day now. My usual indecisive self had a hard time choosing a topic, so I wrote two short articles instead: one on barometric pressure and one on being housebound during the holidays.

On another positive note, I managed to wrap all the Christmas packages with minimal frustration this year, and for once they actually look pretty (wrapping presents is not my forte). My pink tree is up and decorated to near perfection except for a strand of pink lights that is partially burnt out. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the Christmas episode of Glee featured a pink tree just like mine! (It was Brittany's, go figure.)

I think that's about it for now...just wanted to fill everyone in on some positive news for a change. Hoping the holidays go smoothly for everyone and that we all share in improved health and happiness this holiday season!

Jello-Legs and Other Strange Sensations

One symptom I never ever experienced before POTS is jello-legs. It is quite possibly the strangest sensation in the world. I'm sure there's probably a more technical term for it, but really jello-legs sums it up accurately. When an episode strikes, my legs go weak and feel like they could give out at any second. For me, a jello-leg attack is usually a sign of low potassium. My chest gets heavy and it's hard to breathe when this happens. The other day I had worked nearly 7 hours and got so absorbed in my work that somehow I had skipped dinner. Never a good idea. I literally collapse when my potassium starts to get low. However, I have successfully avoided the emergency room these last few episodes by downing the V8 at home. It usually does the trick and I feel remarkably better in about twenty minutes.

Another strange symptom I have experienced with POTS is a little black floating speck that seems to hang out in my left eye. It is not there all the time, but often, and it is more noticeable when there is a lot of light. Lately I have been contemplating if this should warrant a visit to the eye doctor. I just hate the thought of wasting my time and money on another possibly unnecessary appointment, but part of me thinks maybe I should just to rule out the possibility of something more serious. Lately I tend to chalk everything up to POTS and ignore potentially serious symptoms. It's easier that way. Self-diagnosis almost always saves a trip to the doctor's office.

I'm not sure if it's just the natural aging process or if this is also related to POTS, but the last year or so I have suffered from dry skin, especially on my legs and arms. Of course, this malady is a minor one considering it's fixable with lotion, it's just that my skin never used to be like this. It troubles me almost as much as the handfuls of hair I seem to lose with each shower. I brought the hair loss up to my primary care doctor before and of course he takes one look at my head of thick curly hair and says that "shedding is completely normal and happens to humans periodically. It's not really a problem unless you can see scalp." But what I want to know is, how long should this shedding period last, when will it cease? Do I have to wait to be able to see scalp before it is actually considered a problem? In my book, by the time that happens it's too late to treat it.

Last on my strange symptom list: I do not have the same voracious appetite I used to. I used to be able to consume ridiculously large amounts of food compared to the diminutive size of my body. Lately though, small meals fill me up, and I don't even snack as much as I used to. This is actually quite alarming. I have had heartburn ever since I was a little kid but this is different. Like I actually don't have much room for food anymore. And I love food. It's one of life's greatest and simplest pleasures.

This week's post was kind of a downer, so I thought a song might perk it up a bit. For some reason when I think of jello-legs I think of this R&B ballad, a throwback to the early '90s. Too bad its just low potassium and not love that makes me weak in the knees...