Survival Mode

The past few months I've been stagnating in survival mode due to horrendous, persistent pressure headaches at the base of my head and upper neck. Throw in some charlie-horse muscle spasms on the sides and back of my skull and in my upper neck that are palpable to the touch and it's a recipe for intense pain, the kind that keeps me awake at night. When I finally do pass out from pain and exhaustion, the pain promptly awakens me again in a mere two to three hours. Subsisting on two to three hours of sleep per night is enough to render even the sanest of people completely mad. This lack of sleep, coupled with intense chronic pain really gets me down at times. I feel like a zombie most days and on my "good" days where the pain is bearable and I can attempt to distract myself from it, I get overzealous and overdo it because I never know how long the low-pain stretch will last and I feel the need to take advantage of those times whenever I can. However, on the low-pain days, all my body seems to want to do is catch up on sleep, but my mind is telling me I need to get out of the house and enjoy whatever I can before the headache becomes hellish again. The worst part of all this is, my doctors still can't seem to tell me with any certainty whether this head pain is a result of my 5mm chiari malformation or more due to my atlantoaxial instability (right lateral subluxation of C1 on C2). Or it could possibly be occipitoatlantoaxial instability (meaning my ligaments are so lax due to EDS that they're failing to hold my head on straight). But again, not even neurosurgeons can pinpoint with any certainty what exactly is causing the intense pain.

My best bet, no doubt, would probably be to travel to a place like The Chiari Institute of New York where they fix the instability and decompress the chiari in the same 6-hour procedure, taking a team approach with two surgeons present in the operating room, one to fuse the upper vertebrae and one to decompress the chiari. That means (hopefully) only having to go under the knife once and ensuring that my bobblehead is stabilized. However, New York might as well be Mount Everest to me right now as travel has become just about impossible lately. Even car rides in my trusty Aspen Vista cervical collar have become almost unbearable. Any movement really triggers and worsens my neck and head pain, which would suggest instability is likely the pain-causing culprit. This is not to say that my chiari is not causing me any problems. My balance has become really bad this past year or so. I used to be so graceful, so poised back in the olden days when I danced ballet. Now I am so clumsy I am tripping over my own feet, dropping things left and right and I have to concentrate really hard on basic tasks like walking or carrying something. I know that is not normal, not for me, not for anyone. I used to enjoy going on walks even after getting sick with POTS, but lately I fear that I look like a drunk person trying too hard to keep my balance and I wonder if people think I'm a drunk when I'm out in public...

I know that it's definitely time to do something. I've been told by my physical therapists, neurosurgeons and primary care physicians that unfortunately physical therapy is never going to remedy the problem, no matter how diligent I am with my exercises. My ligaments are too lax thanks to stupid EDS hypermobility. And while physical therapy can help to strengthen the surrounding supportive muscles and hopefully preserve the rest of my neck function and help provide stability to my neck's lower vertebrae (I currently have four bulging discs in my c-spine and some mild arthritis between all my vertebrae), the upper vertebrae are probably going to require a cervical fusion procedure to correct the instability. The prospect of a risky neurosurgery makes me sick to my stomach.

In terms of major surgery I've only had an emergency appendectomy, and fortunately I didn't have too much time to ruminate on the issue or be scared as I wasn't really given a choice. I do remember asking the on-call surgeon if I could just go home, research the procedure for a bit and then return the next morning for the surgery. He informed me that I could do that, but then he'd see me again in a day or two at most with a ruptured appendix and have to perform an even more painful surgery with a much longer hospital stay. So I consented to have a laporoscopic appendectomy that same night, and honestly, it was the best decision I ever made! I was in the hospital recovering for one day and then they released me the next night. Luckily the nurses and anesthesiologist were all very careful with me because of my dysautonomia and EDS. I was well-hydrated and there were no complications. I took some extra strength Tylenol at home and didn't even need the narcotic pain meds they prescribed. It hurt, sure, but in a few days the worst of the pain had subsided and I was able to get on with my life and start eating and drinking normally again.

I have a feeling that neurosurgery is a whole different ballgame though. I don't like the thought of anyone cutting into my neck and head. I just don't. It's icky. Necessary, but icky, and frankly very scary. There's too much important stuff up there. I have thought long and hard about what will happen to me if I don't have surgery though and the possibilities are also scary. I can't get in any more car accidents or sustain any type of major injury as it could easily be game over for me. Internal decapitation does not sound like a good way to go. So although it will be scary and painful, I have decided I need to stop being so afraid and proceed with surgery at the soonest opportunity. I do not want to live perpetually in pain and a neck brace. It would be nice to not have to wear this thing indefinitely. And even nicer to be out of pain. I can barely remember what it feels like to be pain-free but I know it would be amazing and I could accomplish so much more with my time and get so much more out of life.

Most importantly, if I get my health back I can devote 110% of my energy and focus to helping others who are still in pain and suffering from chronic, painful and misunderstood conditions like dysautonomia, EDS and chiari: the trifecta or "The Sara Syndrome" as the brilliant Dr. Rekate has coined it. Also, if you haven't seen it already, last week The Today Show featured a news segment about a young boy suffering from the debilitating effects of chiari malformation, dysautonomia and EDS. Please watch his story and share with your friends and family. This kind of national, mainstream media coverage is a huge deal for patients like us.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

The Sara Syndrome

This presentation by Dr. Rekate really resonated with me. It captures the typical experience of patients suffering from dysautonomia, joint hypermobility, chiari malformation and craniocervical instability and the associated sensitivities and autoimmune problems we struggle with.

I love to hear from you!

A BIG thank you to Mary over at A Body of Hope for making this for me! I love to hear from my readers and read your blogs! If you have a blog of you're own please share it with me! It is always great to hear from you guys and see what you're working on. There are so many talented people out there! Thanks again, Mary!

So True!

A friend and fellow dysautonomia warrior posted this on her Facebook this morning and it really resonated with me! People in the chronic illness community are among the strongest and bravest on earth.

October is Dysautonomia Awareness Month! What are you doing to raise awareness?

This October marks another great annual Dysautonomia Awareness Month. It is always so awesome to see the patient community rally together and do amazing things to help raise funds to support research and help raise awareness in their communities. It's inspiring to see young kids participating alongside their parents, making noise for turquoise! Thankfully, turquoise is one of my favorite colors! I love to wear it and also have plenty of bright turquoise throughout my house. I even painted a pumpkin turquoise for Halloween this year. If you can, get out there and raise some awareness in your community. Tell someone about dysautonomia. Help educate a new medical practitioner who may not know what it is. Find a fundraising idea and donate the funds to research. Or purchase something on Amazon.com through this page and part of every sale automatically gets donated back to dysautonomia research (it doesn't cost you a penny extra, Amazon donates their share of the sale!)

There is lots happening online as well. Check out Facebook.com/DysautonomiaInternational for a daily dysautonomia factoid. I have learned SO many things I didn't know. There's also a live Tweet-A-Thon happening on October 23rd.

2014 In A Nutshell

On the eve of a very important appointment with a very important neurosurgeon, I find myself brimming with anxiety over the occasion. You'd think that after seven years of health drama, doctor's appointments wouldn't even phase me anymore. But the reality is, sometimes they still do. Especially the important ones. So I figured what better way to spend my evening than to engage in a little blogtherapy and update you on what's been happening in my life so far this year and also explain why I haven't updated this blog in ten months!

Let's start off with some happy news! In February I got engaged! The proposal was magical and perhaps I should save that story for a separate post! We were both so thrilled that we started wedding planning almost immediately but then we both took a step back and realized that planning a huge wedding was starting to get really overwhelming (and really expensive!) really quickly. The more I thought about it the more I realized that a wedding is merely one day and that the marriage itself is what really matters. So we went from wanting a huge outdoor wedding and reception to now wanting a very small, private, low-stress ceremony and will probably skip having a formal reception altogether. It just doesn't make sense to exhaust all of our physical and financial resources on one single day when the time, money and energy expended could be better invested in creating our home together. I've basically stopped wedding planning for now and I'm so much more at ease. We've agreed upon the perfect small venue and I am going to wear a gorgeous gown. I also want a cool, Cake-Boss style cake. But other than that our wedding will be no-frills, no fuss.

In April we started fixing up my fiance's house to put on the market. Boy was that a job! It really tested our patience as things just kept going wrong and the house proved to be a lot more work than any of us expected! Several weekend work parties, one dead cat (long story!) and countless hours of manual labor later, the house is finally listed on the real estate market and being shown! Cross your fingers for us that it sells soon so we can move forward with the next chapter of our lives.

In June I finally had an upright MRI of my brain and cervical spine as ordered by my primary care doctor for the wonky discs in my neck that kept going out. The MRI results confirmed my biggest fears: that I do indeed have a Type 1 Chiari malformation as well as cervical instability secondary to Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. I always knew Chiari was a distinct possibility because of my EDS, but I figured since my POTS has gotten so much better over time that I surely I didn't have any more comorbid conditions to worry about. Well, I was wrong. My Chiari measures a mere 5mm but I am symptomatic with headaches, balance issues and tingling extremities and have been for over a year now. So far I have seen a local neurosurgeon, had a Skype consult with Dr. Rekate of The Chiari Institute (who was wonderful and a wealth of information!) and have one more consult with the head of neurosurgery at the local University tomorrow. Dr. Rekate told me he trusts this surgeon's skill so I feel a bit better in knowing that he's highly regarded by his peers. However my cervical instability is perhaps more of an issue than the Chiari itself so I need to make sure my local doctors take it seriously and address it accordingly.

In July and August, I ended up getting sent for several additional tests: an MRI of my thoracic spine, an MRI of my lumbar spine, cervical x-rays in flexion and extension, a 3D CT scan of my cervical spine, and a cine MRI of my brain/c-spine. Am I ever sick and tired of MRI's! The good news is that my MRI's showed NO evidence of a syrinx or a tethered cord. Tomorrow I will receive the results of the cine MRI from the neurosurgeon and boy am I nervous. The cine MRI is a specialized MRI that assesses the cerebral spinal fluid flow or extent of the obstruction from the Chiari. I am hoping he tells me I don't need surgery, or at least not urgently. The prospect of brain/spine surgery scares the bejeezus out of me. And I would really like to focus on things like getting married and finding our new home. A surgery would certainly disrupt my plans. But will have to see what he says tomorrow and take everything one step at a time.

Can't believe it's already October which also happens to be dysautonomia awareness month! This month I look forward to getting 3 teeth crowned (ugh!) and watching copious amounts of Gilmore Girls on Netflix. It's also my mom's 60th birthday which is kind of a big deal. Not quite sure how to commemorate the occasion but she has been a huge support to me my whole life and especially these past few months as I have suffered some pretty rough days health-wise and dealt with yet another life-altering diagnosis. Wish I could buy her a really cool, expensive gift! Or send her on a vacation somewhere tropical and relaxing!

As for November and December, we are hoping my fiance's house will finally sell so we won't have to maintain it over the winter and I am really really hoping to avoid neurosurgery. I should know more about that tomorrow. Until then, thanks for reading! I have really missed blogging and missed hearing from my lovely readers as well! Hope you are all doing well and enjoying improved health and wellness!

2013 Year In Review

This year brought a lot of major life changes and new beginnings for me. Mostly positive ones. I moved to a new home in a different location and am now (finally!) comfortably settled in here. I am living within walking distance to a major doctor's office, lab and my physical therapy clinic. I'm also extremely close to groceries, gas and restaurants. The convenience of not having to drive everywhere has simplified my life a great deal. The appointment running has calmed down a bit too with the exception of physical therapy and dentistry that is. The dental work I've had done and am still having done has tried ever fiber of my being this past year. I only have seven more fillings and five more crowns to go before I am completely cavity-free. I have had a grand total of three root canals, one crown and three fillings done this year. The physical, emotional and financial stress of dental work is enough to drive anyone clinically insane. I realize I have to keep plugging away at fixing my teeth to avoid future root canals and extractions, as those are not an option for me.

My physical therapy appointments though tough, are also rewarding. I don't look at physical therapy as just another appointment, I view it as an integral part of my weekly routine. I am already seeing results in the strength department. Luckily I build muscle pretty quickly which is helping to stabilize my ankle along with the rest of my wobbly body. I am lucky to live right next door to such a great physical therapy clinic with a therapist who also happens to suffer from hypermobility and TMJD herself. Doing physical therapy as a teen saved her from having TMJ surgery and that experience was what led her to the field. I feel optimistic about the progress that I am making and feel myself getting a lot stronger each and everyday. I only go twice a week but have an intense home exercise program that I do daily, sometimes in my living room and sometimes at my apartment complex's on-site gym, which is another nice feature of the new place.

The first month after I moved was fraught with major challenges concerning air quality. I had selected and moved into a ground floor unit, but unfortunately the complex was built on a wetland and as soon as the rains started in my apartment reeked of a strong, sickening mold smell. So much for life in a "luxury" apartment. A home humidity monitor I purchased revealed that the internal humidity reached 75% everyday. A normal internal humidity level is between 30-50%. Anything above 60% provides ideal conditions for mold growth. I fought with the complex to let me move to another unit. An option which was totally feasible considering it was brand new construction and only a quarter of the units were occupied. Their corporate management initially denied my request calling the mold smell a "subjective" complaint since they couldn't pinpoint the exact source of the mold. Upon conducting a bit of careful research and calling the city building inspector it turns out that the problem was much larger than bleach or exhaust fans could have ever fixed. In order to remedy the problem, the building would have had to have been torn down completely. Because apartments are technically classified as commercial space (even though residents inhabit them as their homes,) the city allows them to build on concrete slabs without crawl spaces. They didn't allow the concrete slab to cure long enough in the construction process which resulted in a subsequent sponge-like effect on the foundation every time it rained. Every time it rained that damp moldy smell crept up into my home from the concrete floor, through my carpet and into the living space.

I finally moved into a new apartment in the same complex at the beginning of October after enduring a month of hell in a moldy apartment. I am now living on the second floor of an apartment that doesn't smell of anything other than whatever I have been cooking in the kitchen. My sinuses are much better now and I can actually breathe out of my nose in the mornings again. Something I had wondered if I would ever be able to do again. Although sinus surgery may become an inevitability down the road due to a deviated septum and bone spurring, for now I have dodged a major bullet by avoiding surgery. And I am happy to put it off for as long as possible unless it becomes a necessity. My new apartment feels much healthier and I can breathe easy here which is a huge relief.

I am doing decent in the health department at the moment (aside from a nagging, two-week old mystery upper right quadrant and back pain that landed me in the ER for bloodwork, an abdominal ultrasound and a HIDA scan to no avail and is currently being investigated by my primary care doc). My health is something I do not take for granted at all. For the most part my POTS is controlled and doing much better now that I've removed myself from the moldy environment of the other apartment. Earlier this year I had a scary bout with benign positional vertigo that finally subsided after taking a month round of Augmentin antibiotics for my sinuses. It was a scary time for me. Every time I layed on my right side or flat on my back I would get the spins. This continued for a few months with my doctor telling me it was "just some inner ear virus," and an ENT insisting it was benign positional vertigo spurred by spending too much time in a dental chair as I had a scary incident where some heavy duty dental drilling back in the chair spurred a major attack. Whatever it was, it is no longer happening to me now and I am so thankful. I had a follow-up with a new ENT the other day and luckily they were not able to trigger the vertigo in his office. Because of my history with rotational vertigo during dental work though, he wants me to undergo a more sophisticated test called a VNG early next year to measure eye movements during different positions and then conduct a repositioning procedure in the office to resposition any inner ear crystals that may have become dislodged.

In 2014, I still have plenty of work to do. I would like to make more strides in the health and fitness department with an emphasis on healthier eating. I definitely have some work to do in that department. I am fortunate to have a wonderful boyfriend who enjoys cooking for me, the problem is he enjoys cooking tasty comfort foods without worrying about things like nutritional content or calories. Oh well, I can't complain too much. I know how lucky I am to have someone who cares about me and takes good care of me. I am finally in a healthy relationship, one that I don't have to change myself for. Compared to my verbally abusive ex, this experience has been night and day and I am so thankful.

So to sum it all up, this year has brought some health ups and downs, but overall I'm in a good place health-wise. I'm in a good place location-wise after finally moving into a healthy apartment. And I'm in a great place relationship-wise with someone who loves and respects me. Next year I intend to get my body in peak physical condition and hopefully start to renew old hobbies one by one without destroying my body in the process. For now I will have to say no to ballet but may take up pilates and yoga again in the new year.

Liebster Award!

I am honored to have been nominated for a Liebster Award by one of my favorite new bloggers and fellow potsy Brittany at Fabulously Faint. Admittedly I don't know much about the award except for the following: 

The Liebster Award is used by bloggers who have 200 follows or less on bloglovin' to promote each other and to make more friends in the blogging community and attract more attention to their blog. Each nominee must first list 11 random facts about themselves and then answer the 11 questions proposed by the person who nominated them. Lastly choose 11 bloggers and ask them your own 11 questions.

I in turn nominated eleven of my favorite bloggers! They happen to all have dysautonomia and/or related conditions.

Brooke at Growing Older, Growing Up?

C.M. at Life Unknown

Erin at My Life as ErinJ0

Kingsley at Life As Grike

Michelle at Living with Bob

Lauren at POTS Grrl

Hannah at Hannah's Dysautonomic Life

Candice at Infectiously Optimistic

Michele at Dysautonomia Normal

Jessica at Falling Apart At The Seams: My Life with Ehlers-Danlos

Anomie at Anomie Fatale: The Agalma Femme


11 Random Facts About Me!

1) I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and Temporomandibular Joint Disorder.

2) I am obsessed with 90's pop culture nostalgia: toys, junk foods, music, television etc.

3) I adore the color pink and always have. Because some things never change.

4) My all time favorite book is The Great Gatsby.

5) I have perfectionistic tendencies and am very OCD about germs and cleanliness, though I have never been officially diagnosed.

6) I hold three bachelor's degrees including a degree in English Literature.

7) I loathe technology and hate trying to keep up with all the latest and greatest gadgets. I resisted the whole touchscreen smartphone craze for a LONG time. 

8) I am a dog person. If there are 20 people in the room and there are any dogs in that room, the dogs will always come sit on my lap. This phenomenon has happened on many occasions. We get each other and speak the same language!

9) I used to produce magazine style shows and host talkshows for government television.

10) I have naturally curly hair that is extremely hard to tame. I prefer to wear it straight but everyone else prefers it curly.

11) I used to dance ballet, jazz and modern dance and still really miss it. Ballet was my favorite.


Here are my questions courtesy of Brittany at Fabulously Faint:

Question #1
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be?

Fruit Tarts. Undoubtedly fruit tarts. Anyone who hasn't tried one of these fine delicacies absolutely needs to. I would happily eat them everyday for the rest of my life. Fruit, custard, chocolate. All in one pretty little package. What's not to love?

Question #2
What's the most exciting/adventurous thing you have ever done?
Although I'm about as far from an adrenaline junkie as you can get, I'd say the most exciting thing I've ever done was meeting my favorite band and having a drink with the lead guitarist a few months before I got sick. I could've died happy that night.

Question #3
Describe yourself in three words.
Creative, kind and funny.

Question #4
Who inspires you?
Chronic illness survivors! That includes a lot of strong people. And anyone who stands up for injustice especially in the face of adversity! It takes a lot of strength to do such a thing. There are too many people I admire to name just one!

Question #5
What is your favorite piece of clothing?
My pink peacoat. It personifies me!

Question #6
If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?
Someone who is in perfect health and optimal physical condition. I would take advantage of being in a healthy body for a day, that's for sure!

Question #7
If you could choose any career what would it be?
An interior designer! It wouldn't even feel like work to me, I would likely enjoy every second of it!

Question #8
What is your guilty pleasure?
Reality TV. Shows like Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Dance Moms especially.

Question #9
What is your dream vacation?
Australia. I have always, always wanted to see the Sydney Opera house on New Year's Eve and to hold a koala bear!

Question #10
Who are your style icons?

Anna Nalick. I was at her concert recently and we happened to be wearing the exact same ankle booties! Her style is unpretentious yet pretty and feminine. Timeless, not trendy. She always utilizes vintage or eclectic finds skillfully. She is not flashy but classy and refined and doesn't feel the need to dress trashy.

Question #11
What is your biggest achievement?
Being Valedictorian and voted most likely to succeed in my high school yearbook. It was flattering that my peers had such a favorable opinion of me and nice to be valued for my intellect. Especially these days now that POTS-induced brainfog has seemingly clouded my once sharp intelligence. If nothing else, it's comforting to know I was once a brainiac!

Shop at Amazon to Support Dysautonomia Research!

Whether you're a big holiday shopper or simply make purchases from Amazon once in a blue moon, please shop through this link to support dysautonomia research. Simply use the Amazon search box on the right of the page to find the item you're looking for before making your purchase.

You can purchase ANYTHING from Amazon and 4-6% of your total purchase will automatically be donated to dysautonomia research without costing you a dime extra. There are no gimmicks here. All you have to do is remember to click through the box on the Dysautonomia International webpage before putting items in your cart.

I am on the Patient Advisory Board at Dysautonomia International, an organization I am proud to be a part of. Dysautonomia International has made funding research their primary objective in hopes of ultimately supporting the discovery of a cure or new and improved treatment options for patients. More research leads to more awareness in the medical community and at large. More research and better physician awareness will also help render dysautonomia more of a household name like lupus or multiple sclerosis instead of an illness that sounds obscure and and foreign to people. Education is key and it often starts with educating doctors and providers in the medical profession so that they can begin to recognize and diagnose dysautonomia, thus leading to more prompt patient treatment and better, more thorough and comprehensive care overall.

POTS: The Pretty Girl Disease?

While I may be a tad bit biased, I think POTS patients are among the coolest people in the world. Also among the prettiest. And is it some sort of eerie coincidence that there are many potsies who are models? Take rising star Alexandra Agro (pictured above) from the latest season of America's Next Top Model. Unfortunately she became very ill due to a POTS episode and missed what became her final elimination ceremony. There is also Marissa Irwin, an EDS patient who suffered from Chiari Malformation and POTS and was featured on an episode of Mystery Diagnosis. One of my best friends also suffers from POTS and is an up-and-coming model with great star potential.

While I don't have any concrete scientific evidence to back up my claim, maybe someday researchers will study the POTS-pretty girl phenomenon. One thing I know to be true: POTS patients are beautiful inside and out, in spite of having wacky, temperamental autonomic nervous systems!

Here is a link to an Alexandra Agro interview where she discusses her POTS with Reality TV World:
http://www.realitytvworld.com/news/exclusive-alexandra-alex-agro-talks-top-model-guys-%26-girls----again!-15399.php

Here is the Mystery Diagnosis episode featuring model Marissa Irwin in its entirety:



And, just for fun, here is Keri Hilson's "Pretty Girl Rock." (Disclaimer: The lyrics of this song are in NO WAY meant to imply that POTS patients are arrogant or conceited about their looks. I just happen to really like this song. It's equal parts cheesy and catchy.)

October was Dysautonomia Awareness Month! How Did You Celebrate?

It's the last day of Dysautonomia Awareness Month! How did you commemorate the occasion? Many people spread awareness online, through successful social media campaigns like "Thumbs Up for Dysautonomia Awareness" where people proudly sported blue nail polish on their thumbs to show solidarity and support for dysautonomia patients. Many others also took the opportunity to raise awareness in their communities by hosting fundraisers, educating physicians, or friends and family. It's important to realize that raising dysautonomia awareness doesn't end in October. It's a 24/7 pursuit. Individuals around the world are working tirelessly to spread awareness 365 days a year. For more ideas and information on how to keep spreading awareness or to host a fundraiser to benefit new and ongoing research, please visit DysautonomiaInternational.org.

On Losing the Ability to do What You Love

"...I was dancing again, every muscle effortlessly engaged, articulating in perfect synchronicity."

About a month ago, one of my best friends sent me an article that brought me to tears. While I'm sure her intention wasn't to make me cry, this article hit way too close to home. She sent it to me because she knew it would resonate within me like it did within her. We had both been dancers in our former pre-POTS lives. More specifically, ballerinas. Living a beautiful life doing what we loved and were perhaps born to do. We were introduced to each other through a mutual friend who also had POTS and recognized that we were destined to be besties. We bonded instantly over our similar past experiences and our current shared love of reality dance TV. While watching Breaking Pointe is no substitute for dancing ourselves, it certainly does help fill the void.

The night before I received the article in my Facebook inbox, I had had a dream that I was dancing again. It was haunting, but not a nightmare. It was a very vivid, beautiful dream that made me feel very much alive and self-actualized in those brief moments I that was dancing again, every muscle effortlessly engaged, articulating in perfect synchronicity. Unlike my current reality, I had complete control over my own body, and it felt good. Exhilarating even. I was in my old ballet class with my former instructor Miss Mary guiding my movements across the floor. Except I was my current self in present day, just in an alternate reality. A reality much more fulfilling than my own.

In my present reality, I am currently in physical therapy for a bum ankle. Or at least what I thought was a bum ankle that to my dismay actually turned out to be two bum ankles and a bum hip. It's no secret that years of ballet takes a toll on one's body. And perhaps even more of a toll when you're hypermobile and repeatedly encouraged by over-zealous instructors to relish in your perfect turn-out. While I haven't danced ballet for several years, apparently I still walk like a duck, my hips stuck in a perpetually turned-out state. My physical therapist also happens to be hypermobile and is good at correcting these issues. She uses pilates as a way to strengthen muscles and thereby control her own hypermobility. I did not realize how bad my ankles had gotten until she said that I need to learn how to walk all over again. Apparently I've been doing it wrong all these years.

As I raised into releve alongside a supportive countertop in physical therapy, I kept having flashbacks to the ballet barre and and all the hours that I had spent there, nearly deforming my own body from three years of age onward, as it was growing and developing into the body I have today. Going to ballet class was as routine as brushing my teeth in the morning. As the years of class went on, all our bodies grew to be the same shape and size, so that we were all nearly identical and could all wear the same size costume if need be. There was certainly not much physical diversity in ballet. Most of us were naturally hypermobile to some degree. If you weren't, you simply couldn't compete in the ballet world. Or, you had to work very, very hard at it. Those are the type of dancers I respect the most. The ones who have to work at it. Now that I'm aware of my hypermobility, I realize I possessed an unfair advantage in the ballet world.

I have been asked the following question several times by friends and family: if you could go back in time knowing what you know now, would you have still danced ballet? The answer is undoubtedly yes. Although it may have caused irreparable damage to my body, I was simply meant to do it. And there has always been a void since I stopped dancing. I consider myself a generally happy person, but there's always been something missing. And I know precisely what that something is.

Ballet was my outlet, my escape, my passion. It helped quell the obsessive compulsive tendencies I had hidden as a child. It also came so naturally, more naturally than sports or other athletic pursuits. I didn't have to work at it. It was effortless. The rest of my life has certainly not been effortless by comparison. Physical therapy is hard work. I am developing a new awareness of my body, and an appreciation for what I put it through. I am trying hard to correct bad habits that ballet helped me acquire over the years and push through the pain. I carry with me everyday now the physical reminders of having once been able to do what I loved. And to me, it's all been worth it. If I could still dance ballet today, I absolutely would.

Dysautonomia International's First Annual Patient Conference & Lobby Day Recap!!!

Here is a highlight video of the 2013 Dysautonomia Patient Conference & Lobby Day held in Washington DC earlier this month! It was a tremendous success for dysautonomia patients and physicians alike!

Cosmopolitan Magazine Covers Dysautonomia!

In case you haven't seen it yet, there is currently an article on Cosmopolitan.com written by fellow dysautonomia patient Ilana Jacqueline, who provides Cosmo readers with a firsthand account of her experience with POTS. Here's the link to her story.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/advice/health/rare-diseases?click=main_sr

Thanks Ilana, for sharing your story with all those Cosmo readers out there!

Year in Review

Although I don't write a Christmas letter or anything of the sort, I figure my dear blog readers tune in from time to time throughout the year and are probably all too aware of the health goings-on in my life. So I will try my best to keep this brief and not too negative. It has been one heck of a year to say the least!

Let me start with the good. Certain aspects of my health have improved significantly. My resting heart rate is good! Normally anywhere between 56 and 66 beats per minute on any given day. And there have been many days where my standing heart rate hasn't been so bad either! (70's, 80's, 90's, I rarely reach the 100's anymore!) I am always thrilled to check my blood pressure monitor and see relatively normal numbers there too. It helps me breathe easier when I think about how those same numbers used to look a year ago. Can I say my POTS is gone? Well, no. There are days when my HR still spikes upon standing, I still get the occasional dizzy spell and brain fog seems to plague me on a daily basis. But when I compare my symptoms and my numbers to what they were 5 years ago the difference is dramatic. And there are even some days where I even feel somewhat normal.

In terms of chronic pain and limitations however, this has been the worst year of my life. The TMJD pain is unbearable half the time and it impacts my life severely. I have had to drastically modify my diet to soft foods exclusively and master the art of being quiet which has proven very difficult both emotionally and functionally. It is really tough to not be able to make phone calls to doctors or insurance companies. Not to mention not being able to speak to friends and family very often. I have had to shell out $1300 for a home ultrasound machine like the kind they used on me in Physical Therapy after my insurance company cut off physical therapy completely. It is about the only thing that brought me any real relief. I am currently going through the appeal process with my insurance company about covering the ultrasound machine as durable medical equipment for a chronic condition.

A local neurologist also thinks Botox injections would help quell the muscle spasms in my jaw and facial muscles, but insurance does not want to cover that either because it is not FDA approved for anything other than the treatment of migraines (which I am not having). Although my medical insurance does cover TMJD, they certainly don't seem to cover any of the treatments that have worked for me. So the battle continues. Sadly, this type of battle has become all to familiar to many of us. Having to fight for the basics all the while fighting our own battles against our ailing bodies. My wish for the new year is that less people will suffer and struggle with their insurance companies. That we will not have to fight as hard to receive adequate treatment and relief.

May my friends and readers experience improved health and  relief from chronic conditions in 2013. Keep on fighting the good fight and never never never give up!

Holiday Giveaway Courtesy of Katie's Knits!

'Tis the season for fabulous knitted goods! And Katie's Knits has plenty of them! She does everything from custom blankets to handbags, all created with love and care.

It is no surprise that there is a lot of talent in the chronic illness community and Katie's happens to be knitting. I have great respect for anyone who can knit as I simply lack the patience for such painstakingly intricate work. But Katie has a flair for it. She uses the softest, high quality yarn and crafts her creations with convenience and practicality in mind. I am in love with this purple handbag.

And these cute coin purses, which are very handy on a wheelchair.

And these scarves. I am particularly fond of the pink one!

If you'd like to win some lovely knitted goods just in time for Christmas, please comment on your favorite item below and head over to Facebook and 'like' the Katie's Knits page. 

I will be selecting three lucky winners drawn randomly from a Santa Hat on Monday, December 17, 2012. Good luck!

In the meantime, if you'd like to purchase some of Katie's Knits, contact her about a custom creation via her Facebook page to take advantage of special holiday pricing!

Being Human is Hard Sometimes

I have a huge aversion to vampires. I have not seen a single Twilight movie and have a feeling I'm not missing out on much. I don't buy into the whole "vampires are cool" craze. There are just too many darn vampires on TV these days. So I found myself surprised when I could not stop watching the UK version of Being Human. It came highly recommended by a fellow potsy with great taste in television, so I decided to give it a try. Aside from being permanently scarred for life by a few gory scenes, I actually gleaned quite a lot of good out of this show and found myself empathizing with the main characters' struggle to be "normal" humans.

Being Human features a werewolf, a ghost, and yes--a vampire--as roommates living together in Annie the ghost's old house which George the werewolf and Mitchell the vampire rent from Annie's former fiancé (Annie the ghost is invisible to most people). Later on Annie remembers that Owen her despicable sociopath of a fiancé was the one who pushed her down the stairs, resulting in her untimely death. Annie is definitely the character I related to the most. She cannot be seen and heard by most people and leads an isolated life mostly confined to the house. The characters all seem to spend a lot of time at home, however George and Mitchell are out in society working at a nearby hospital and masquerading as human.

As irony would have it the "monsters" and ghost are not the true evil characters on the show. It is the Catholic priest, the misguided professor and the sociopath fiancee (all real humans) who are perhaps the most evil and seem to lack any sort of profound moral compass. Although they make big mistakes, the non-humans are actually good-hearted and consistently try to help people in spite of their own issues.

Here is how I personally relate to each of the main characters:

Annie: I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of POTS and EDS patients easily relate to Annie the ghost. She spends most of her time at home as a quiet observer of the goings-on around her. She is invisible to almost everyone and cannot be heard either. She cannot really "live" her life as she is a ghost and had all her earthly dreams and goals ripped from under her when she was pushed down the stairs. Her afterlife lacked purpose and she is often struggling to find her place in the world. She is arguably the nicest character on the show and genuinely goodhearted and wholly undeserving of what happened to her. She also wears the same outfit in every episode. Comfy clothes and cute Ugg boots.

George: George is a good-hearted werewolf who wants desperately to lead a normal life. He has to hide his secret from friends, coworkers and even tried to hide it from lovers. Although I don't deem his problem to be quite as severe as the vampire or the ghost's considering he only has to deal with spontaneously transforming into a werewolf one night a month during the full moon, it is still a huge disruption to his life. I relate to George because I too transform into a very unpleasant person during the first few days of my period and therefore I try to lay low and avoid people during that time so I don't say something I'll later regret.

Mitchell: Although I find it hard to relate to Mitchell much at all, a part of me does feel sorry for him. Sympathy for a vampire? That doesn't sound like me at all, but it could have something to do with the fact that he is really, really, ridiculously good looking. Although he has some bad relapses, he tries hard to be a good vampire and not feed on humans anymore. Mitchell perhaps most strongly resembles the drug addict the show's writers had originally intended for his character. He also struggles to form meaningful and lasting relationships with the other characters except for George and Annie that is.

The first three seasons of Being Human (only 8 episodes each!) are currently available on Netflix. I highly recommend this show if you like sci-fi or drama. Be prepared to shut your eyes for a few scenes if you have a weak stomach like me. Other than that it's a great show that can teach you a lot about humanity, values, and perhaps most significantly, the struggle to maintain normalcy with an unwanted affliction. Many of us with chronic illness can relate.

A Country Girl's POTS/EDS Anthem

Ironically, one of my best friends put this Rascal Flatts song on a mix CD for me on my 22nd birthday right before I got sick. Since then, the lyrics have taken on a whole new meaning. I relate to music much differently now than I did before I got sick. That's what life experience and struggle bring to the table. A deeper understanding and appreciation of language and lyrics. 

You feel like a candle in a hurricaneJust like a picture with a broken frameAlone and helpless, like you've lost your fightBut you'll be alright, you'll be alright
‘Cause when push comes to shoveYou taste what you're made ofYou might bend ‘til you break‘Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look upDecide you've had enoughYou get mad, you get strongWipe your hands, shake it offThen you stand, then you stand
Life's like a novel with the end ripped outThe edge of a canyon with only one way downTake what you're given before it's goneAnd start holdin' on, keep holdin' on
‘Cause when push comes to shoveYou taste what you're made ofYou might bend ‘til you break‘Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look upDecide you've had enoughYou get mad, you get strongWipe your hands, shake it offThen you stand, yeah, then you stand
Every time you get upAnd get back in the raceOne more small piece of youStarts to fall into place, yeah
‘Cause when push comes to shoveYou taste what you're made ofYou might bend ‘til you break‘Cause it's all you can take
Yeah, then you stand

Fall TV Picks!

Sometimes, with chronic illness, one is forced to watch a lot of television. With a bad head cold, one is awarded the opportunity to catch up on all this television. Good thing I am a bit of a TV buff. What am I watching this season? Here are my favorites.

Sunday night: Revenge

Monday night: Dancing with the Stars All Star Edition on ABC, Hoarders and Intervention on A&E

Tuesday night: Hart of Dixie on The CW, Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition on Lifetime, Parenthood on NBC

Wednesday Night: The New Normal and Guys with Kids on NBC

Thursday Night: Beauty and the Beast on The CW, Glee on Fox, Don't Trust the B in Apt 23 on ABC

Friday Night: Malibu Country and Shark Tank on ABC

Saturday Night: Saturday Night Live on NBC

The Head Cold from Hell

It has been a long time since I've had a cold of this magnitude. What began as a little tickle in my throat Halloween night was a full blown whopper of a cold by the next morning. Nothing is worse than being sick on top of sick. I have a fever. My head hurts. My nose is running a mile a minute. Yet I still can't breathe out of my right nostril. My eyes are dry and bloodshot, rapidly resembling those of Natalie Portman a la Black Swan. And my TMJD is in another rip roaring pain flare thanks to all the violent sneezing I've been doing. I am about ready to knock myself out with Nyquil. Or maybe a Hot Toddy. But it's probably not a smart idea to mix any of that with Tylenol. So I am playing the waiting game. Waiting for this misery to abate.

As luck would have it, I had an appointment with an ear nose and throat doctor yesterday that had been scheduled for a long time. On day one of a bad cold. He said it will take 5-10 days before antibiotics are warranted. Right now it is an old-fashioned viral head cold. And there's no cure for that but time according to the ENT anyway. But the good news is, my hearing tested in the normal range despite the ringing in my own ears being much louder than any of the audible beeps. I passed that test by sheer luck I think.

Does anyone have any safe and effective home remedies for the common cold? My regime currently consists of steam inhalation, Halls cough drops, vitamin c, hot tea and spicy salsa. But what I really need is some sleep. And of course I gargle repeatedly to prevent the germs from having a party in my throat thanks to the timeless teachings of The Cosby Show.