People Suck Sometimes

Whether it's my able-bodied uncle giving me his idea of a "pep talk" by dispensing trite advice: "you are a smart girl, you can do anything you put your mind to, and you wouldn't want to live life from a chair!" (As if anybody has a choice or really aspires to live their life from a chair in the first place...) Ah, the mind over matter speech. If only it were that simple... If only my mind were able to cure my physical illness...

Or my therapist saying that having to go to the doctor every week is "no kind of life," I have come to realize recently that even seemingly well-intentioned people sure do pass judgment on others a lot. I am probably even guilty of that myself every once in awhile. It's one thing to have a thought pop into your head and keep it to yourself but quite another to impose your potentially offensive point of view onto someone else. Yet I am sure that neither one of these people meant to offend me. Which hearkens back to the same question I have asked myself before: am I just overly-sensitive? Or does everyone just need to take care to be more politically correct when it comes to their interactions with the chronically ill?

My skin cannot get much thicker. I am sensitive by nature but have learned to let a lot of things just "roll off" these past few years that would have previously really upset me. Today's discovery of the Facebook group openly discriminating against the disabled really left me reeling. It is amazing to me how people can get away with hate speech like that at this time in history. The following cartoon was posted on their group page and I found myself studying it for quite awhile, not able to uncover a single ounce of humor in it:



I certainly do not find it amusing and do not appreciate being given the label "pampered disabled." If the cartoonist's idea of being "pampered" is not making enough to live on, not being able to travel, not being able to be physically active and not being able to lead normal lives, then call us "pampered." Surely we must be "pampered" by being granted access to basic services through closer parking spaces. Surely that evens the score and levels the playing field among the able-bodied and the disabled. I believe in free speech as much as the next person, but I do not believe in poking fun at or disrespecting people in a public forum, especially the most marginalized groups of society, or "mutants" as a particularly ignorant and mean-spirited member of the Facebook group referred to all disabled people as. It is disgusting to me how sinister and overtly hateful some people can be. Days like today I am even more thankful to have compassionate friends on my side who are genuinely good people. You know who you are.

Grad School?

Okay, so although I am fortunate enough to have finished my undergrad degrees on-time and debt-free through earning scholarships, I am finding that my bachelor's degrees are fairly worthless in this economy, and even more worthless when my health limits me (no standing or sitting upright for long periods). So after several unsuccessful attempts to obtain a new and stable telecommute position, I have been doing a lot of soul searching. Communications is a very unstable field right now. Especially when you have a background in television and public relations (ultra-competitive, low-pay, first department to get cut in most companies, etc.) Throw my unstable health into the mix and it's pretty much a recipe for disaster. Although I believe I briefly obtained self-actualization as a talk-show host, I simply can't compete in that industry anymore. Not to mention I am now back to trying to meet my lowest level needs on Maslow's Hierarchy. I loved my job, but why did I love it so much? Not just because I let it define me (not a healthy thing to do) but more importantly because I was reaching people, providing information, helping them. And I was able to reach a fairly large audience even on local television. It was like the ultimate validation for a stranger to approach me in the grocery store and tell me they loved my latest show. But now if someone approaches me in a grocery store it is probably because I have dropped my keys on the ground or look as lost and disoriented as I feel.

At the end of the day, I still want to help people, somehow, someway. May sound crazy I realize, since most days I can barely help myself. But lately I have been contemplating going to grad school online to pursue a master's degree in counseling. It would be a two-year online program that would include 2 or 3 in person residencies and at least one 100-hour practicum and a recommended internship working with patients in a clinical or office environment. The catch is I'm not too confident about taking out the large loans it will take to finance this educational endeavor. With dysautonomia, nearly every big decision we make is a gamble. Especially the ones that require this level of long-term planning.

In a perfect world, I would be able to earn my master's degree and continue to work on my health with the hope that it will improve over the next two years so I can start a fulfilling career where I get to help people again (while sitting down of course). Maybe even get to help others suffering from chronic illnesses. I know several therapists who only work about 20 hours per week and still make a full-time salary because they are paid well and it is an in-demand profession right now. However, the risk I run by getting another degree is that it will become yet another useless piece of paper if my health deteriorates any further because then I will not be able to work at all. And not be able to repay the exorbitant student loan rates either. In a nutshell, I'm scared. Too scared to make such a huge and life-altering decision on my own. To tell you the truth I am never sure if I should be applying for disability or graduate school. Seems like I am semi-coherent every other day and those are my "good days." On those days, I tell myself I can do anything if I put my mind to it. But then reality sets in the next day when I can't get out of bed again. And this cycle continues to repeat with randomly striking symptoms. I do my best to avoid my triggers (standing, heat, caffeine, etc) but even then, symptoms seem to strike at random. Of course as we all know all too well this unpredictability is not really conducive to having any sort of "normal" life, so I have been trying to find ways to adapt whether it is changing my profession or changing my outlook.

It seems like this whole blog post reads like a convoluted pros and cons list. I realize that this whole grad school thing is ultimately up to me, but does anyone want to weigh in on the issue? Feels like a major gamble but I guess there is little reward without the risk. To those of you who have pursued or are currently pursuing higher education, is it worth it with chronic illness? Do you regret getting a degree or was it worth every penny? And perhaps most importantly, how have your lenders treated you when it comes to repaying those pesky student loans? I welcome your perspectives. And if you have any ideas of other things I can do with my existing communications degree, please let me know, I am open to any and all suggestions!